


the lies you tell yourself are the strongest

by grim_lupine



Category: A Separate Peace
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-26
Updated: 2009-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:46:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grim_lupine/pseuds/grim_lupine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>finny is a master of self-deception.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lies you tell yourself are the strongest

 

  


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finny is a master of self-deception.

he falls out of the tree because he falls, that is all, nothing else happens. gene is there because gene is his friend, his _best_ friend, with eyes shock-wide gene tries to help him. he does. finny believes this because _jesus_ he has to believe in _something_ and he makes the something gene, because gene is his best friend and gene would never hurt him and. finny loves gene and gene loves finny, and finny falls, he only falls. that is all.

there is no war. of course there is no war. a war does not fit in with their summer of idyll and beach-trips, an autumn (a fall) of recovery, a winter of relearning movement and cold that eats into his leg. if there were a war, finny would be at the front of it, being useful and wanted, fighting for things he doesn’t put into words but that he breathes with every idealistic bone in his body; there is no war, there cannot be a war, for if there were a war then gene would have to become a part of it, and gene would go and finny would stay behind, and what would be left of him then? with gene would go his vitality and maybe even purpose, and most definitely that thing that holds them tight together, that makes gene seem another part of finny, integral like his heart or his lungs. or his bones. there is no war.

that day in the infirmary when gene comes to him, trembling and wild under transparent calm, finny realizes the biggest truth he has kept from himself, the biggest realization that is carved into his blood and flesh and beating (bleeding) heart. he forgives gene and has to examine why that releases something boulder-heavy from his chest, why he feels he can breathe right for the first time in months. the tears locked tight in gene’s dark, guilt-ridden eyes match the ones rising in finny’s throat, and this is too much, too much emotion, too much hurt and relief and _feeling_. you don’t get this knife-sharp betrayal and aching reconciliation with brothers, with friends, not even _best_ friends. this is more, something too much, something twisting and unbreakable that catches at finny’s breath. _they_ are something more, the two of them together cannot be ripped apart by anything, it seems. finny forgives and loves and holds it to himself. he will say it later, when he is not so raw with it. they have time.

they have all the time in the world.

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